So How Should I Be Single?
Panel discussion - Chris Johnson, Yonnie Ho, Joe Kim, Helen Yim
Introduction
Helen: Hi everyone, I’m Helen, and I’m joined by Joe, Yonnie, and Chris.
Who Am I in This World?
(We did a survey at the start of the night by asking everyone to write down three words that describe their identities beyond their relationship status. See below the word cloud result.)
Helen: Singleness is something I’ve wrestled with over the past 15 years. As a Christian, I believe one of the most important things we need to be affirmed in is our identity in Christ. But that’s not always easy—especially when other voices in our lives try to shape our identity in different ways. I want to start our panel discussion by asking Chris what has helped you root your identity in Christ rather than in your relationship status or societal expectations?
Chris: When I think about identity, there are many areas of my life that point to identity…whether that be as a teacher, a son, a father, a husband. It’s something I’m acutely aware of, however, at the same time it’s something you can’t escape from easily. Remember, that you are doing these things day in and day out…I’m teacher most the time during the week, I’m a father and husband at home the all the time. I think what is helpful is viewing my identify in Christ through those lenses. As a follower of Christ, how can I be a Godly husband? As a teacher, how can I be a Godly teacher? Prayer forms a big part of this but also being in God’s word. I battle with this mostly, when I haven’t carved out time reflecting and praying for this.
Helen: When I was in my late 20s, I remember feeling quite lost. At times, the thought of being "less than" would overwhelm me. I did not know where I fit in because my peers were pairing up, then getting married, then having their first child, then second, then third. I remembered that an "uncle" at my old church approached me after service one Sunday and suggested that maybe I should change churches to open up more opportunities to meet men whom I could marry in the future. Awkward, right? Now, I would like to invite the crowd to participate in a poll on how often you have felt "less than" because of your relationship status.
Helen: Next, I want to ask Joe if you've ever experienced something similar. What are healthy ways to deal with feelings of incompleteness or pressure when you're not in a romantic relationship? Additionally, how can churches better support single people in a manner that feels natural and not forced?
Joe: Yes I have felt this way. I think the best way to deal with it is by grounding yourself in reality. Scriptures describe wisdom like being “in tune” with reality. When you idolise and romanticise the idea of a marriage or romantic relationship as the ultimate state of being, it’s like your soul is an instrument out of tune. Everything you do won’t sound right and it won’t feel right. This is true even if you’re in a relationship. If you’re in a relationship, but you had an idealised fantasy of it that doesn’t quite match up with reality, you will be deeply troubled. So I think the first thing you need to do is to realise while romantic relationships are beautiful and wonderful, it is not to be THE most important thing in your life, and not even the most important way to relate to someone in your life. The Bible is very clear that the greatest love is the love of a friend.
So the answer to your second question, how can churches better support single people, is to be their friend. I was someone who was very broken in my singleness and felt incomplete, but when the Lord helped me to see that romantic relationship wasn’t the ultimate purpose of my life, combined with the beautiful deep love and affirmation of my friends around me, that’s what helped me break out of that pattern of thinking.
Helen: Now, Yonnie — you’re currently dating a lovely Christian guy, Clayton. How have your relationships shaped or challenged your understanding of self-worth?
Yonnie: Being in a relationship has definitely challenged and reshaped my understanding of self worth. As we get closer emotionally, Insecurity always prompt me to wonder and ask what do I have that this other person should love me? It is tricky, I care about this person so much that every reaction from him matters. On and off I feel that this other person would betray me because of what I've done or shared, or some traits in me that they see, that I am just not a good enough person to share life with.
Eventually I come to realise it is a pity that my self worth and security depend on how I think Clayton views me. I went back to the bible and rethink what does love mean for me, and how should I view myself in this relationship. As sinners, we are both Incapable to love perfectly love and unworthy of such love. We love because God loves us first. From that we imitate Christ’s love and follow his command. Security comes from God, because we know this other person is committed to follow Christ. I don’t have to look to the other person to understand my self worth. The creator of this world calls me his daughter. God loved me first not because I am worthy, but he chose to love me unconditionally. My self worth is not determined by what I do, whether or not I am in a relationship or what this other person thinks about me. It is from God, this other person should never replace God and what God says about my self worth.
Not Alone
Helen: Has anyone here read 7 Myths About Singleness by Sam Allberry? Two of the myths that he addressed in the book are:
That single people have no one to love or be loved by.
That singleness equals loneliness.
Joe, What do you think? Are single people necessarily lonely? In what ways can singleness be a season of purpose and relational richness?
Joe: It’s a hard question. There are definitely people that are lonely. And I haven’t read the book, but I imagine what Sam Allberry is alluding to is that lonely people might falsely attribute their loneliness to being single, when in reality they might be feeling lonely because they don’t have any friends. Some of the loneliest people in the world are in relationships. Some of the loneliest people in the world are married. Humans are relational beings and we are nothing without the greatest relationship which is friendship.
For the next question, I’ve been thinking and reflecting a lot about this, and something that a lot of people say when they’re in a committed relationship is that they don’t have a lot of time. This is how it should be. When you’re committed to someone, your time is not your own; you have to discuss it first with your partner. In a relationship, you have a unique opportunity to serve your partner and honor God by giving your time to them. However, when you’re single, you have an abundance of a very precious resource: time. If you are someone who is wise, you can use that extra time to serve, take on extra responsibilities, connect with people in need of friendship, spend time resting, and work out your faith and maturity. There is great purpose in singleness if you are intentional with it.
Helen: God gives us many kinds of relationships. He places us in community and gives us friendships, family, and church for His good purposes. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Yonnie, how can single people be intentional about creating deep community?
Yonnie: Be present. By this I mean physically. Be with your community, say yes to occasions like birthday parties, socials. That way you allow people to get to know you, to support and build relationship with you. Take a mini step forward - It can feel overwhelming to start building relationships, we can break it down to realistic mini-steps to keep us going. i.e when I first started coming to MBC my goal each week is to get to know 1 person at church, doesn’t need to be long but should be meaningful. that way I eventually I get to know more people, hopefully not just at a surface level, which allows me to carry on the conversation at a deeper level next time. Take it beyond the context - We meet people from different occasion whether it's church, bible study, fellowship like youth group, at work or school. It is convenient for us to just keep the friendship at where we met, or just talk about the things in the context. Spending time outside of these context provide us with the opportunity to get to know each other better, create memories together so we have more things to talk about next time, or to discover something that we didn't know before - like common interest etc. Be open and invite others to your life - It just means be genuine. When people ask us how we are, it is easy to cover up what we truly feel and what is actually happening in our life. By doing so, we also closed the door for people to journey with us, and miss out on opportunities to have deeper relationships. And if you are ready, be the one that takes the initiative to be vulnerable or journey with others :)
Helen: Thanks Yonnie. Chris, what wisdom do you have for how churches can affirm the value and dignity of single individuals?
Chris: Affirming single individuals starts with seeing them not as people in transition, but as people fully loved and fully called. When a church reflects the truth that every person is valued and vital to the body of Christ, regardless of relationship status, it becomes a far more faithful and welcoming reflection of God’s kingdom. Churches should cultivate intergenerational, inclusive communities where everyone (single, married, divorced, widowed) has a place to belong, serve, and lead. Avoid isolating singles into separate “life stage silos.” Encourage shared tables, small groups, and service teams that value connection across life experiences. I think we do that well at MBC.
Helen: I really like when you talk about taking mini steps forward to open up and invite others into your life. It may take a bit of time and effort, but I think it’s worth it. I remember going through a period of isolation because I suddenly did not know how to relate to my friends who were busy with their partners and newly started families. The truth is, dating couples and those who have started their own families may also feel as isolated as singles. May God help us to know how to love and be loved for who we are. May God assure us that we are seen in our community, just as Jesus saw and saved us, so that we can see and be there for others in our community, like Christ.
Appreciating Singleness
Helen: Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:7–8 that both marriage and singleness are gifts from God. “I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that…” The perception of singleness as a gift can be misunderstood if one sees it solely as a state to endure or a period of waiting for something better, such as marriage. This perspective can lead to feelings of inadequacy or a sense that being single is somehow less desirable. However, understanding singleness as a gift highlights the opportunities it provides for personal growth, deepening one's relationship with God, and serving others without the distractions that may come with marriage. Chris, what are your thought on the comment “singleness is a ‘gift’"? And how do we avoid misusing or misunderstanding that term?
Chris: The term “gift of singleness” can be misunderstood, especially when it's assumed to mean something inherently easy, permanent, or constantly fulfilling. In Scripture, spiritual gifts are not defined by personal ease or emotional satisfaction, but by how God equips individuals for particular callings or seasons. Singleness, therefore, may be a gift, but that does not mean it is without struggle. For many, singleness can involve deep emotional challenges such as feelings of loneliness, longing for companionship, or the societal pressure that often comes from Christian communities where marriage is treated as the norm or a sign of maturity. Describing singleness as a “gift” in these cases can feel dismissive or insensitive, especially when it’s assumed to be permanent or when it disregards the individual’s personal desires or sense of calling.
The gift of singleness does, however, offer unique advantages: freedom, flexibility, and the capacity for undivided devotion to God (1 Corinthians 7:32–35). It can provide time for personal growth, deeper friendships, and broader service within the church. There are opportunities that may be more limited within the responsibilities of marriage and family life. But these benefits do not erase the reality that singleness can be difficult. Like any calling, it comes with both joy and sacrifice.
Importantly, singleness should not be seen as a “waiting room” for marriage, nor should it be undervalued or over-spiritualised. It can be a meaningful, fulfilling season or even a lifelong vocation. Despite this, it requires support, understanding, and pastoral sensitivity. Recognising that singleness is a gift doesn’t mean it’s always easy. It means it can be purposeful, even in its challenges.
Helen: Sam Allberry also addresses the myth that singleness is easier than marriage — a kind of avoidance mentality. Yonnie, I know you’ve wrestled with this. Would you be willing to share your thoughts?
Yonnie: Certainly being single has many benefits. The freedom with your time and money, you get to decide what to do with your time and money. Marriage can be hard - basically you are committing and entrusting yourself to this other person in all aspects - financially, physically and emotionally, which also means to be vulnerable in front of this person. and it is not easy to share life with another person who comes from a different upbringing - you have different ways of doing things and habits which bring changes to life. Marriage is for better and for worse - when my dad was sick last year, my mom had to carry all the weight on her own - it’s rough and I think to myself ‘if marriage is this I don’t know if I could do it?’ However, I believe singleness also has it's struggles, whilst marriage comes with its blessings. when there is bubble tea buy one free one - how I wish I have another person to share with....or during valentines day - the feeling of loneliness or the desire for companionship are also real. While in marriage for better for worst you have a companion to journey with you, to serve God together. Neither one is easier than the other, they are both God's gift and they each have their own challenges. I guess the bigger question is 'why do I think singleness is easier than marriage' (or if you are on the other side then it’s the other way round - why do I think being married is easier) - it exposes our intention, deeper thoughts, what we are trying to avoid or the ‘solutions’ in life we try to find to fix our ‘problems’. It could be our insecurities for relationships, fear to be vulnerable to the other person, or our selfishness and unwillingness to let go of our current pleasure and enjoyment in singleness, or trying to seek security through relationships.
Helen: Joe, how do you personally navigate the tension between appreciating singleness and desiring partnership?
Joe: I have seen many people in my life, and myself personally swing from one side of the pendulum to the other, idolising and over desiring marriage, to being spiteful that I’m not married and idolising singleness, and I think the remedy to that is the same for any idol in your life. Worshipping God. Worshipping God not meaning singing at church, but reminding yourself who God is and what he has done, you remind yourself that God must be at the centre and above every desire and longing, If you put God above marriage, your marriage will flourish beautifully, if you put God above singleness, you will be extremely satisfied and purposeful in your singleness. I really believe that.
Helen: Chris, now that you’re married, what spiritual or personal growth did you experience during your time of singleness?
Chris: Looking back, my season of singleness was actually a deeply formative time in my walk with God. I often had more time and emotional space to press into my relationship with Jesus. It was a season marked by time in God’s Word, prayer, and rich fellowship with other believers. I was able to be fully present in church life and in Christian community, and those relationships became a source of real encouragement and accountability.
Of course, it wasn’t always easy. Singleness brought its own set of challenges - moments of loneliness, uncertainty about the future, and the need to navigate the distractions and temptations the world presents. Yet, it was in those very struggles that I was drawn closer to Jesus. I learned more deeply what it meant to rely on Him, to trust His timing, and to root my identity and contentment in Him rather than in a relationship status.
One thing that’s really encouraged me recently, especially through being part of our evening service, is seeing so many young people gathering to explore faith and grow in their relationship with Christ. It reminds me just how significant that season was in shaping my own journey. The spiritual foundation laid during that time continues to influence my faith and my marriage today.
That said, I also want to acknowledge that singleness occurs at various stages of life. For some, it may come through loss, such as widowhood, or continue into later adulthood. My experience reflects just one perspective within a much broader reality. Every season of singleness carries its own unique challenges and opportunities, and each one is worthy of care, dignity, and encouragement.
Helen: Let’s do another quick poll to see how much we appreciate singleness. In the Slido page, enter the benefits of singleness you’ve experienced that you wouldn’t want to trade.
Life-Path Tension
Helen: For many, singleness is a season, not a lifelong calling. We don’t control God’s timing — and that requires us to hold our plans loosely. There are two words that I always come back to as I grow older as a single Christian woman: gratitude and contentment. Gratitude helps me shift from pessimism to noticing God’s presence and provision. Contentment flows from gratitude — it’s the recognition that I’m known and loved by God, and I’m not lacking anything. Yonnie, what are your thoughts on remaining open to God’s plan while still living fully in the present?
Yonnie: Be rooted in God's truth - to know who God is, and his character: the more you know God and his character, the more you can trust His goodness and sovereignty, and His plan will never go wrong or late. Submit to God - to know that my plan is not perfect, I don't have the full picture of life. Proverbs 16:9, which states, "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps". Acknowledge that waiting is hard, and it is ok to acknowledge our feelings and pray to God about our feelings. Examine our heart - ask the Lord for help. It's easy to dwell in bitterness of our plans are not fulfilled without realising it - take time to reflect whether we have made marriage / romantic relationship/our plan be our idols. Look beyond your relationship status - we are more than just single or married people....we are also important to those who love us - God, our friends, family, church and it's worth cherishing them. To seek support - let people walk alongside you and pray for you. Go day by day, with God's help - Abraham never knew where God was taking him, but wherever he goes he worships God look at the true marriage - Be reminded that God didn't promise us with marriage in this earthly life. the bible it doesn't say Yonnie will get married - but the bible says that Christ will return and there is an ultimate reunion with Christ.
Helen: Thanks Yonnie. How about Joe? How do you cultivate gratitude and contentment while waiting on God’s plan?
Joe: The Bible reminds us again and again, that all the good things in this world are a foretaste of what is to come. The most exotic and memorable and exciting experiences you’ve had and will have in your whole life is a mere shadow, a tiny fraction of a sample of the glory and joy that is to come. That includes marriage. I have to believe that. Even the most perfect and beautiful and awesome wedding day here on Earth, is a mere fraction of the beauty and joy and celebration of the wedding supper of the Lamb. The union of Jesus and the Church. So as I receive the good things in my life as they come, I am not to keep my eyes trained on the blessings in front of me and devour greedily and complain when I don’t get the things I want when I want them. Instead I let the good and beautiful things point to the real beauty and the real blessing that is the new heaven and the new earth. And that is how I can be thankful and content because that is what Jesus did on the Cross gives me confidence that I can have that.
Dignity
Helen: Staying faithful, resisting the “less than” mindset, and affirming our identity in Christ — these are all part of the single Christian journey. But they’re not always easy. Let’s do a quick Word Cloud Activity with everyone: What are some healthy habits for managing the pressure and comparison often fueled by social media?
Helen: Thank you all for participating. We’ve gathered some valuable insights from the word cloud. Chris, how can we remain aware of God’s work in our lives without allowing societal benchmarks to define our progress?
Chris: That’s such an important question. So often, the world gives us a checklist of what a “successful” life should look like: career milestones, relationship status, financial stability, even social media presence. And when our lives don’t line up neatly with those timelines, especially in singleness, it can be easy to feel like we’re falling behind, or worse, that we’re somehow less valuable.
But the truth is, God doesn’t measure us against a calendar or compare us to the people around us. He is far more interested in who we are becoming than in what we’re achieving. That shift in perspective is so key. Staying aware of God’s work in our lives starts with learning to value the process of transformation over the appearance of progress.
For me, I’ve had to regularly remind myself: my identity is not in my relationship status, my job, or how put-together my life looks - It’s in Christ. And that’s not just a comforting idea, it’s a profound spiritual reality. Jesus doesn’t wait for us to “get it all together” to start working in us; He’s already present, shaping us, growing our character, and using us to bless others, right in the middle of the unfinished, in-between seasons. Being in God’s word and prayer is vital for keeping this perspective.
And finally, community is essential in helping us live with dignity, not through personal achievements, but by reminding us of God's truth, grace, and promises, and affirming our identity in Him.
Helen: Thank you again Chris, Yonnie and Joe for your willingness share some honest thoughts about the topic of singleness. Thank you for everyone’s participation also. Let’s pray to conclude this part of the service…